Torn

I am sitting her on the Sabbath thinking of how I have so fallen away from the path of righteousness. Of course my demise occurred when I took my eyes off The Father and turned them on myself! I was on Reunion dot com up dating and some how ended up sending my complete yahoo address book contacts a hello. Apparently if there are common friends, they get a hello too! Just to explain the enormity of this I have to tell you that I am the self appointed social director for the CHS Class of 1981, I have a very extensive list of contacts! Out of all these people, I got one response and that was from an underclassmen of the CHS Class of 1982! I remembered him, because at my Junior Prom I had to get up and say a few words and mention a few people, and I couldn't understand his name. Needless to say, I called him the wrong name in the end, several times.

Anyway, this polite underclassmen I knew 25 some odd years ago gives me a shout out and I, being the polite upperclassmen give a shout back. So we are communicating and taking about high school and the good old days and the old neighborhood and people who lived in it. We try to understand why we live in the same neck of the woods, so to speak, and never hung out or even saw one another growing up. Seriously I grew up in Jefferson Hts. and he grew up in Wild Wing Park. The entrance to Wild Wing Park, well, as I type I can see it from my window if I lean to the left. Okay? Strange isn't it? Yeah, yeah, you're thinking it's a small world...and I know you are right, it's just that living in the same house most of my life and never bumping into this man at the neighborhood mom and pop candy store not once in my whole entire life is just bizarre to me! By the way, the mom and pop store was owned and operated by my Aunt and Uncle, I was in that store all the time! Their daughter was my heroine until she went off to Jr High without me, she is two years older than me. So you see why I think this is all just too weird!

We are writing back and forth and he tells me that my letters are more entertaining than television. Okay, I have a fan! My first! So I start writing these long letters. Come to find out, he loves my writing but has a learning disability that makes it hard for him to comprehend and on top of that he has short term memory loss to boot. So my long letters are time consuming for him, but he loves them just the same. Now, if that isn't the sweetest thing! He actually gets upset when I don't write him! He is a true fan. He asked a question, I answered sharing something with him I haven't shared with others in awhile, myself. I had someone who actually wanted to know what I was thinking and liked the way I put my thoughts into words. Yes, he asked personal questions and I would answer "No-holds-barred". I am like that anyway. I'm an open book. I am sure some of my answers shocked him, but they didn't scare him off.

I tell him all about my marriage, he tells me all about his. Our Exes were the ones who showed us the worst of ourselves, and we find together we have found the best of ourselves. I tell him all about my job and how I work from home so basically am in my jammies 24 7. He tells me about his job and how he likes it, but mostly hates it. Well, after chatting on line for 6 weeks or so I suggested he join me and my parents at the local Elk's Club for a St Patty's Day celebration, he accepted. We had a nice time. After that we got together and started hanging out and spending time together. For my birthday he sent me this beautiful bouquet of flowers with a half a dozen pink roses. I invited him to my place and he accepted everything about me and my space. He was comfortable in my company and in my living/working quarters. We watched movies and talked or went for drives. He always opens my car door and holds the door open when we are entering the house or a store. I also found that I can not shop in his presence or he will pay for everything. He spent every spare moment with me and I tried to include his sons into our relationship by inviting them to dinner once a week. He and I would shop and split the bill, I insisted.

My dad had an allergic reaction to a new med and ended up in the hospital. My sister and niece came for a couple of weeks to take care of dad and make memories. My sister loves my boyfriend. I noticed the two of them are a lot alike. It's funny. Anyway when it was time to take them to the airport, it was The Perfect Man who drove my parent's car and paid the tolls on the thruway to and from. I fell asleep as did my mother, and that wonderful man drove got us home safe and sound. My mother welcomed The Perfect man into the family on that ride and told him he could call her mom. I was married for 16 years, she never said that to my husband! Actually, I don't think she has ever told anyone else they could call her that besides her actual children. I'm telling you this man is perfect! He has skills too. ;-)

So here it is May and he is on vacation/voluntary lay off. I see him every day sometimes three times a day and he doesn't leave until late in the morning. He calls me, I call him all the time! We go out to eat almost every night. We went to the movies once. Took his classic Charger for a spin twice. He bought my mother and me hanging plants for Mother's day. I met his parents. We drove to Kingston to shop at Wal*Mart. Another time we drove to Albany to go to the Post Office and then Waldon Books. He even let me bring my Pit Bull once on a drive to Albany! We walked the town of Catskill looking at the Cats on display. We were a couple of junkies who couldn't get high enough off of one another. I'm telling you it was painful not to be together. He admitted to me that he had sworn off marriage, but with me, he could see himself doing it again!

We mainly talked. We discussed Soul Mates and what we thought that meant. We discovered neither of us can stand the news or politics. He is into cars and I happen to like cars. We like the same music, food, movies, and future plans when we retire are the same. We are simpatico. Very compatible. We also use the same odd sayings. Pronounce words the way they are spelled instead of properly. It's a quirk we both have!

I asked him all those pertinent questions of who the last woman he had been with was, how long as it been since... all those personal questions. He informed me of his ex-wife and the woman who he took up with and lived with. He said he hadn't been in a sexually committed relationship in approximately six months. I told him the last man I was with was my husband and we had been separated, this time, for two years, but he was my first and my last. I can honestly say that the man was not skilled at all, not after experiencing The Perfect man. Mercy the man has skills! I finally know what it feels like to have someone else...oh, perhaps I share TOO much. Anyway, we are rolling along and May is fast coming to an end and he is going to have to go back to work. He starts getting these aches and pains. Then low and behold I get this FYI on MySpace.

From:...me
Date: May 31, 2008 10:56 PM

" Just an FYI - I have been dating ----- for almost 2 1/2 years. I just found out about this today and confronted him. We have a house we bought together and were supposed to be moving into it. I'm not trying to cause you problems and I don't want to fight over him. That's not why I'm here. Woman to woman - I just wanted you to be aware of it. ----- is a great guy. He just has some issues."

From:...me
Jun 1, 2008 11:13 AM

"Honestly, I found this out yesterday on my own and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm in such shock. Obviously I wasn't aware it was over if it was. Maybe in his mind it was, but he didn't relay that to me. His things are still here. The fact that we have a house currently under renovations (by him) leaves alot of responsibilities on the table that we need to sort out. He does not like confrontation at all. I think the stress of the house and his job and our relationship got to him and he basically ran. Instead of figuring things out he just blocked this part of his life out and started a new, happy one with all the joy of a new relationship. I just don't think he knows what he wants right now. And only because of the life we started to build here would I even think of taking him back. We are just very tangled up in each others lives right now. I never would have guessed he'd do this in a million years. I didn't want the same thing to happen to you. I told him he needs to do a lot of thinking and figure out what he really wants."

I call my once Perfect Man and I ask him to explain...I ask him to explain why he didn't tell me about this woman when he had the chance and I point blank asked him if there was anyone else after his wife and her best friend. Oh, I didn't tell you that. Yeah, he ended up with his ex-wife's best-friend when she left her husband. She went back to her husband. I guess after -----, she realized he wasn't so bad! That sounds callous and mean...I need to explain.

Per ----- the reason he wasn't with FYI (Michelle) was because she called it quits. She had enough of him. What I didn't mention is my once perfect boyfriend suffers from depression. His body doesn't produce Serotonin so he has to depend on meds to get the job done. However if he adds a pain reliever or muscle relaxer to the mix, it seems to knock his anti-depressants out of whack. When Michelle said he had issues, she wasn't kidding. It's June second and Mr Perfection has to go back to work a place he clearly does not want to go. He calls me on break and tells me things are horrible and he is in so much pain. On top of going back to the job he hates, I have confronted him about Michelle and Michelle has confronted him about me. This is a man who holds everything in. He doesn't like confrontation at all, he just climbs in his shell. Not a fighter at all, unless it is with his son or dad. They are unconditional love type people. I understand now.

I didn't understand when he came to me and said, "I have another two weeks off of work. My back, knees and legs are killing me." I had no idea this man was slipping into a bout of depression. Now, he did tell me that he suffered from depression in the past. He told me his wife brought out the worse in him and she would push his buttons. He even thought of suicide once, but caught himself. He told me all this. So I should not have been surprised. Well, his calls started lessening and I wasn't getting any feed back on MySpace. I would send a comment or an email and he would type back he was feeling awful, thank you for being patient. I was getting angry. I am thinking he is normal and can snap out of this depression like I would or how my sister would. See, we decide enough is enough. There is nothing that can be done about our misfortune and moping isn't going to help. Onward and upward. Give it to God, and for goodness sakes STOP TAKING IT BACK!!!

We have serotonin though! A month ago I had no idea what that all meant. I have done research since then. I mean come on, The Man is Perfect, with this one flaw, okay and the learning disability and memory issues. It's probably all tied together though. We also Have Yahshua, who is our way to Father Yahweh! Now, my poor man feels he needs to find God on top of everything else!

All I know is that I wasn't understanding and I have no patience. I would see him and he would be limping and obviously in deep pain, and he was no longer comfortable in my quarters. The dog would be happy to see him and jump all over him and shower affection on him, and he would grimace in pain. I didn't know how to be. I rained kisses over his face and would tell him I wish I could make it all better. He wished I could too. I hated seeing him and felt uncomfortable not know what to do. Then I started thinking. It's not good to be ignorant and think at the same time! I sent him a couple of emails, and then thought I shouldn't have done that. It isn't going to help! Then I tried to take it all back and ended up sending him another email:

I was being selfish and moody at 2 am in the morning. That is our time and we haven't had "our time” in a month! Sure you have been here, but it wasn't the YOU I fell in love with. I know I can be pushy and mean when I am forced to be patient. I don't like when things are out of my control. I hate not being able to control my thoughts and feelings and that I share them even though I know it isn't your fault. If you do read those other emails and maybe you should so you know what my problem is... just remember one thing:It took me a long time to get over Rick, and I gave that user loser many an opportunity to rectify our relationship, eight years worth of time to be exact! You, when not depressed, are perfect.

I am willing to set you free, IF that is what you need and want. If you need me to work at being patient, I will continue to walk this path. Its rocky and has bits of glass here and there and hurts, but I can walk it. I AM NOT A QUITTER. If you need space to get well, and do not want to deal with me until you are, well… I can give you another 30 days. How about if we don’t see or speak to one another for 30 days. Would that add to your depression or take a burden off. We will honor one another and not be seeing or speaking to other people either! I find you have been seeing someone else… you think you are depressed now, I’ll flatten you!I let my emotions rule my judgment. I don’t want to add to your depression and I don’t want to make things hard for you. At 2 AM in the morning when I am feeling lonely and sad and am hurting I am in the moment and let my Bitch fly. I feel as if you have forced me to get over the situation that has me distrusting you. It is something that added to this jaunt of your depression, because I haven’t gotten over it and can’t let it go. I know all this. I know you beat yourself up for screwing up. I know you hate your job and hate being a quitter just as much...

I drone on, and I know I should keep it short and sweet, the man has a learning disability and short term memory issues! I wouldn't be me though! That was on June 22nd. I've sent him emails and I even have called him a couple of times cause I needed to know he was all right. The more I read the more worried I get. I am looking forward to the day when he is back to the man I fell in love with. I know he is in his shell, a cocoon. I am visualizing him emerging a beautiful butterfly. I know I am a corn ball.

I see him walking into my room and saying, "I'm baaaaaaa-aaaaaaack!" Then taking me in his arms and kissing me like he is a starving man and I am his sustenance. I see him sitting on my day bed his hand in mine as I massage his fingers and hands. He loves to be touched and caressed. He craves my touch and hates when I am not connected to him. He loves a good foot massage and I have no problem in complying. I love his feet, They are soft, well maintained and very clean. They are sensitive to a certain touch as is his shoulder blades. The man is one gorgeous mass of sensuous erotic erogenous zones. I can have him completely relaxed in no time at all. I can touch and caress him for hours, add a bit of a favorite fabric and I can have him writhing on my bed. Nothing sexual about it either...unless I want to go that way. It is up to me if we take it to the next step. I miss that. I miss laying in his arms with my head resting on his chest listening to his heart beat and falling asleep watching a movie. We watched August Rush and both cried at the end so he went out and bought me the movie to add to my collection. I love this man! I hate depression!

I hate people telling me, even though he is depressed, if he truly loved you, he would NEED to hear your voice at least. Not according to what I have read! He isn't the only one in my life either! I have family and friends who suffer from depression. A few of them take meds and a few don't. The ones who don't take meds seem to live in their own little world. The ones who do take meds and try to function in the world I personally think are getting a raw deal. I have experienced depression. I do know the despair and lack of interest in life and the world around you. I also have no chemical imbalances that affect my moods, just my metabolism. Let me tell you! I much rather have a weight problem than mental health issues. Now I know that a few of my family member's disagree! They like not having to be part of the "norm". It's an excuse not to have to deal with the big bad world. If I had a person who would take care of all my bills and made sure I was provided for, I think I may join them!

I look at Maureen. No short term memory. Literally if you interrupt her while she is trying to bake, she will throw cups of sugar and flour away and start measuring again! It's awful!
My siblings and especially my mother, if you interrupt them when they are in the middle of telling you something, they will lose their train of thought.
Then there is my niece Bonnie who can remember details from when she was like four years old! She has a steel trap for a memory.

I, on the other hand, have an awful memory. I can remember where I am at when explaining details of an event, EVEN if interrupted. I can remember things that happened that were important. I do not remember much of my childhood though. I remember some, but not a whole heck of a lot! If I don't write things down, the memory is gone after a few years. I remember the birth of all three of my children. I remember the nurse bringing me the wrong baby in the hospital and arguing with her until she finally grabbed my name bracelet to make a point, PROVING MINE instead! That was Corey. I remember… I wish I didn't and I am not getting into that. It depresses me.


See, I refuse to be depressed. To me it is a waste of time and energy. I can either choose to wallow or I can choose to be happy. I choose to be happy. I can do that. I know several people who have this philosophy. I prefer people who are happy go lucky and can spank the proverbial monkey and get on with their lives. Life is too short and if you understand what I am saying and where I am coming from, then you do not suffer from DEPRESSION! Good for you! Praise Yahweh, glory HalleluYah!


Now, what if you are one of the 1 in 17 Americans that do? What if you have no serotonin? Well, I looked this info up on my insurance website and this is what it states:

Depression can make you feel hopeless and worthless and cause you to lose interest in everyday activities such as work, hobbies or sex. Depression is a common illness that costs billions in health care costs and lost productivity in the United States each year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Nearly 25 percent of U.S. adults have depression at some point. Many things can trigger depression, such as serious illness, divorce or the death of a loved one. Often a cause can't be found.

Alone or along with psychotherapy, antidepressants are widely used for depression. More than 80 percent of those with depression feel better when they get the right treatment, according to NIMH.

How drugs help depression

The brain communicates thoughts and feelings through special chemicals that send messages.

Two important chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, are serotonin and norepinephrine.

There is a strong connection between the amount of these chemicals in the brain and mood. If levels of serotonin and norepinephrine get too low, people usually feel depressed. Drugs can help improve levels of these brain chemicals.

The newer antidepressants, such as the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), are popular because they have fewer side effects than older medications, which include tricyclics and monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs). Although both generations of drugs help relieve depression, some people will respond to one type of drug, but not another.

Certain antidepressants can interact with other prescription and over-the-counter medications, herbs, alcohol and even foods. Talk with your doctor or pharmacist before starting treatment to find out about taking them with other substances and other important precautions.

Antidepressants

What follows is a breakdown of common antidepressants. Your doctor may give you others that are either not on this list or are not specifically approved for depression. You may have side effects not listed here. Call your doctor immediately if you are concerned about your side effects.
Children, teens and adults being treated with antidepressants, particularly anyone being treated for depression, should be watched closely for worsening of depression and for increased suicidal thinking or behavior. Close watching may be especially important early in treatment or when the dose is changed - either increased or decreased. Bring up your concerns immediately with a doctor.

SSRIs

SSRIs, or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, increase the brain's level of serotonin to improve mood. They make serotonin more available to the receiving nerve by preventing the return of the chemical serotonin to the sending nerve. SSRIs can help with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social phobia, premenstrual dsyphoric disorder and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). These drugs generally have fewer bothersome side effects than other types of antidepressants and work well for many people. Side effects usually go away; however SSRIs tend to cause sexual problems that may be ongoing. Call your doctor immediately if you are concerned about any side effect. SSRIs may worsen symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Paxil may increase the risk for birth defects, particularly heart defects, when women take it during the first three months of pregnancy, according to a 2005 advisory from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). The FDA is waiting for the results of recent studies to better understand the higher risk. Discuss with your doctor about the health risks of Paxil if you plan to become pregnant or are in the first three months of pregnancy. You may want to consider taking a different antidepressant. Do not stop taking the drug without first talking to your doctor.

Common side effects of SSRIs include:

Headache
Tremor
Nervousness
Trouble concentrating
Nausea
Diarrhea
Dry mouth
Changes in weight or hunger
Weakness
Increased sweating
Sleeping problems
Sexual problems

Now what if you are one of the people who have this condition? Your body does not make serotonin? So you are constantly playing with meds trying to maintain a happy life. You have yo-yo mood swings. You may be walking high on cloud nine and then one little thing hits you and you obsess on it and feel bummed and then your body starts to hurt, and then something else goes wrong, and now you are getting headaches on top of everything else. Yes. This is depression. I only know this because I have seen it in loved ones! I hate that I can not be a part of the getting better process. I hate the fact that I can't see if things are improving or getting worse. I read all this stuff and then worry. I want to snap my fingers and have everything back to the way it was before the depression made its presence known.

What is even worse is that I have an awful feeling in my gut that people who have this condition, think they are unworthy of happiness. That they are burdens. More trouble than they are worth. So when they are well, they want to please and prove they have merit. They are happy pleasing other's because now they are proving that they do have value and much to offer. They CAN function in the world and be an asset! Then their body gets use to the antidepressants meds and one little thing goes wrong and soon the black hole of oppression is nipping at their feet trying to trip them in to the Valley of Depression again.

I wonder if people who suffer from this kind of depression think they are such burdens they should not force themselves on other people. I wonder how many people live on their own, all alone so that they don't feel they are being such downers to their friends and loved ones. I wonder how many are taking meds and then they stop working so the doctor gives them something else, but no one is home to monitor the effects and the new meds make things worse! The person taking the meds doesn't realize this; they only know that they are miserable and tired of feeling that way so that person takes their own life.

Now the normal people in life are thinking, not me man, I would never be able to end my own life. How the hell do you know? What if… I am not playing that game. I pray I am never that depressed. I pray nothing happens to me that will cause a chemical imbalance in me. That I am never poisoned or exposed to something that would disrupt my, my… that would change "ME"!
I feel bad for these people. I know when I am feeling bad; I do not want to make others suffer with my attitude. I imagine that is how these people feel too. That they are not fun and don't want to put on a front. I know quite a few clowns who are actually just putting on a show so you wouldn't know! It's a decoy. I had a girlfriend who had the greatest sense of humor, I had no idea she was a closet drinker since age 13! She would flit from man to man looking for love and respect and kept getting treated like a door mat. No matter who she tried to be for that man, none of them ever made her happy. She'd move on. Try on a new hat, which would fail, because she can't be herself. I don't think she knows who she is any more. I think that is how most depressed people are. They don't think they are worth the trouble that comes with them.
I disagree. It is too cold and callous in this world. Everyone is entitled to acceptance and love. Now, I do not accept Charles Manson, but I'll be dipped if that Crazy isn't accepted and loved just as he is by his "family". So why can't my girlfriend and other loved ones I know who suffer from depression be loved an accepted? They can, they just have to believe they deserve it and share their lives with at least one other person totally open, honest and bared. I know it may hurt to be open and honest at first, but after you get use to getting stuff off your chest and not keeping it all bottled up inside of you… I promise you will feel much better. Being that intimate with someone can be frightening, after all, what if they throw all that stuff back in your face? Well, I don't believe in double standards, so if you give you take and if you dish you have to eat what is dish back at you! If you are willing to listen to other's problems then they should be able to listen to yours! Even if the problem is your boyfriend/girlfriend does or says something that may seem trivial, but it isn't to you! They are going to continue in that behavior until you alert them to the fact it bothers you!!!

Now, I know most of us confide in our mothers or fathers…but if you want to have a life with another person as a spouse, you are going to have to expose yourself. How can you live with a person if you can not communicate with that person? How can there be trust if you do not communicate honestly? If you want a relationship to work, and there is a person who is willing to accept you as is, and you feel you are more trouble than you are worth, however that person is still willing to be there for you; is praying for you; trying to be supportive and understanding even patient! Don't you think that that person has showed you that they are worthy of your trust and that you should communicate with them… no matter how uncomfortable it is for you? Especially if the person you are having a relationship with understand the problem. Understands you when you are on an even keel and gets where you are coming from; speaks your language so to speak? Well, if there is someone out there who has all these attributes, maybe you should try talking to them, before you push them away.

On the other hand if you are the person who is waiting for that person to get better, and have offered space…even though you are regretting it now, but the ball is in your partner's corner and there it will stay unless they wants to communicate with you. You have to trust that the person who is trying to over come the depression is doing well and is relieved they don't have to worry about putting on a happy face for your benefit. They aren't feeling pressure from you, and therefore are better off without you. When they are ready to take back up in the relationship, they will call or write or show up on your door step.

In my case, I hope my loved one knows they are welcomed back any time! I am afraid that it is My Loved Ones way to just walk away from his women. He walked away from Michelle and they have a house together! I know that his ex-wife got more money than she should have from him, and that her best friend got a car out of their relationship. I have a few of his things and I am in debted to him, but nothing as big as a car or bigger like a house and property. Is this his MO? Are we over and I just don't know it yet? I feel like my heart is being torn to bits. It took me ten years to get over my husband and accept that my marriage was a failure. Now I am back to waiting...but is it in vain? I don't know? I am so torn. Do I wait...for how long? I hear so much advice. If I just knew for sure that he still loved me. He took that 30 day break! The following is from "him"!

"I wish I could tell you everything will be alright. As of right now I feel awful, and I'm honestly surprised I am writing. My back is sore as hell, My stomach is sour, I have a headache, and so on and so on. I'm a mess!! I check "My Space" when you send messages, and blogs and such. I just don't have the will to want to write. I know I have to write now though, and I may or may not make sense. I told you before that I didn't and don't want to hurt you, but that is what I am doing. To hopefully put your mind at ease, I am "NOT" back with Michelle. I swear to that. I don't even enjoy the things I like right now. I get an idea that I want to do something to cheer me up and the thought leaves my head almost as fast as it enters. I din't just decide to "wait" to go to my Dr. about whats going on with me. I can't always tell when I am actually depressed or just feeling bummed. I realize something is wrong now, and thats why I went to seek help. I know I need it, and I know my problem isn't going to go away on it's own. Maybe we do need time apart. I know I can't rationalize my judgements and decisions. I can't expect you to fully understand what I am going through. You haven't known me long enough to learn everything about what I am like. Does this happen often to me? Hard to say. I wish I could say it doesn't, but then I would be giving false hopes. Love you too."

That was June 22th. I did call his house once, but that was to give his younger son his birthday present. I did write him too. When he didn't write back, I called. He said he is still feeling horrible. I lasted a whole week and had to call him again! I always close my phone calls with. Love you, bye. For him I would say, "I love you! Love you bye." The last conversation was the 4th of July. I just wanted to see if he wanted to try and take part in the day. He said not really, I closed my usual way and this time he did not say it back. So you see, I don't know how he feels about me. He is a mess, but I still love him. Doesn't my calling reassure him I am here and supporting him? Or am I bothering him by forcing myself on him. I have been miserable since that phone call. I don't know what to do. I said I would give the man 30 days. I lied. Not intentionally, I apparently don't have it in me to stay away. Well, I am not going to write, or call or send him any more cards through snail mail or email for that fact. I will give him the 30 days and if I do not hear from him then I am going to stop waiting and move on with my life. I will return his belongings and make arrangements to pay him back what I owe him and then be done with him if that is what he wants. I am sick of being torn.

It is Sabbath and I have been sitting here thinking about the Love of My Life when I should have been praying and studying the scriptures. I haven't been under the covering, I am such a mess. How can I be of any help to my man if I am torn between him and God? God has to come first, I know that. Perhaps if I got off this computer and on to my knees My Man would be healed! Well, it is now 10:45 PM Sabbath is over, but it is never too late to pray! I am going to give it all to God, and I am not taking it back this time. The Father's will be done. Question is, do I have to count 30 days from the 22nd of June or give him a full 30 days from the 4th of July? I will compromise. His birthday is July 27th. If I do not hear from him by then I will call and wish him a happy birthday and see what his reception towards me is then. Until then, Father? I took it back didn't I? Mercy! Well, that is my plan, Father Yahweh, in Yahshua's name I ask that your will and blessings be given on my days. I pray it is your will for me to have a help mate and a husband that serves and honors you and takes care of me they way I believe you want a woman to be taken care of. I treat my man as a King and he treats me as his Queen and together we serve and worship You. That is what I want more than anything. If C---- is not the one for me, please put the man you do want me with in my life. Like I said before, it would be great if my intended were to walk up to me and say, "Hi. Father Yahweh sent me." but only the true man you have planned for me would be able to say that. I certainly don't need Satan messing with me. Not now. So I cover this blog in the blood of Yahshua and ask that a sphere of angels surround and protect me and my words and thoughts in Yahshua's name, Amen!