That Belief Needs To Be forgotten

Here I go off on another tirade
Thinking of you makes me want to rage
I can fill a books every page
I just pray it is with sage

You are so on my mind steeling my time
I know all your reasons and the rhyme
I see the clear picture and it makes me whine
Frustration hollows no improvement with time.

The expectation put on you was to develop and grow
Not be stagnate and become archaic and low
You settled in and did the opposite going slow
It kills you that I understand you so well and know

Your thought process became quite antiquated
Your self involvement grew to portions of epic
You sit there in denial which makes it more tragic
Longing for that one person to appear like magic

You will never admit you are responsible for your own happiness
It’s easier to point the finger and wallow in sadness
Let others think what they like even if you are viewed as worthless
To destroy that perception you’d have to progress and become selfless

Oh hell that’s too much like work forget about that
That’s too much pressure for you when it’s ambition you lack
In stead you wait on a miracle maker to cover your track
Better they pick up any an all slack
You know better…that notion is whack
You need a wake up call or perhaps a smack

Your connections to those in your life are non existent
Being stone walled for so long they are no longer persistent
Now several relationships are on the verge of extinction
One would think you would have seen you dads correlation

Sorry to say there is a parallel
You know it is true you are not an imbecile
First step is facing facts and acknowledging the trouble
Try opening up yourself and letting in another

It takes a lot of work to make a relationship thrive
It takes two making an effort to keep it alive
Learning to listen and maybe counting to five
It isn’t good keeping your feelings in a hive

The key to it all is good communication
Being open, honest, understanding developing the vocation
It is going to be hard with your current location
However it can be done with a bit of innovation

The key to being loved is loving yourself first
How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself first
Your self loathing and dislike of self is the worst
No, your distrust of others and that wall you have up is the worst

You have to give up on the notion you are fringed
That people who love you are seriously unhinged
I hear the things you say and they make me cringe
Circumstance, status and supposed curses clouds like a grey tinge

Your lack of self belief has you so trodden
You are so blind to yourself it is disheartening
Stop telling yourself that you are rotten
Oh babe, that belief needs to be forgotten

How I Wonder What You Are

What have you gained from holding so tightly the reins
Why are you so mean almost sadistic, deriving joy from another’s pains

You used sex as a weapon … teaching a lesson
Funny, I always thought that was a woman’s vocation

However there you were, messing with my head and abandoning our bed
Not that that affected you…no, when ever you wanted it…you got head

Yes, there were lotions and potions and my silly notions I so do not understand my devotion
My mouth was your haven be it down my throat, ice, pop rocks, or motion lotion

There I was all revved up my motor running waiting my turn…always left to burn
Oh how it makes my heart ache and churn.

You would fan the flame ‘til I was a glow with desire
Writhing in frustration and still you wouldn’t quench my fire

I was left to cry myself to sleep drowning in thirst
You obtained your pleasure first and to douse my fire would have been a curse or perhaps something much worse!

I would be in agony the itch so hot…and you would do naught
You’d turn your back on me, so I was out of sight and forgot
I felt so alone and unloved…as if to you I was not worth aught

All those years…it is so painful to remember, like walking barefoot in snows of December
Where was a husband’s warm loving care, you vowed to love, honor, cherish, and protect… remember
I can’t remember you ever being tender

Instead you with held your love, were mean, malicious and callous
Holding on to me as punishment for ruining your palace
Oh yes you were the king of our castle
Now you look back and see I really wasn’t all that much of a hassle

I would lay a wager you now wish you sipped more of my wine
That you had heeded my warning and spent that time
You truly lost all interest in my body…you lost all interest in me
I believe it would have killed you to take to your knee

You didn’t care about my needs or scratching my itch
I believe you derived great satisfaction in letting me twitch…
It was your favorite game turning me into a witch
You’d rather not touch me and just listen to me bitch

You use to mean the world to me
Now I feel relieved that I am free, to a degree
Why won’t you divorce me
You certainly don’t like me let alone love me

Unless you put away all those tired notions of curses
Step up to the plate and be the man I know you can purchase
Not with money, but with positive actions and perhaps churches
Now you are rolling on the floor laughing as your heart lurches

I can’t see you ever changing while I am ever changing
I know you don’t believe me, but I am rearranging
I am and always will be me I haven’t really changed, but I know I am not the same, I have been arranged

I know you are still the same and haven’t reinvented or rearranged
I have our son you have raised and I see him you tried to arrange
Instead he is melancholy, socially inept and a bit deranged
What a disservice you have done to our boy I you are worse than mange

I am still trying to fathom what you did to our son
You will say, “I didn’t do anything to our son”
I can see that, you are YOU a small minded selfish person
You always put yourself first even over your own son.

Yes I do believe you…you didn’t do a damn thing to or for our boy
You have given me a sad little boy whom seems to have no joy.
You didn’t teach him how to survive in this world or how not to be coy
Can he manage money, pay bills, and balance a check book…oy!

Now that his money is gone you have no further use of him
Much like what your father and grandmother did to Kim
I take responsibility for that fateful day in 88, that is my sin
I blame you for his mental anguish, heavy heart and the sad state he’s in

What a great provider you are…oh so true
Not one to put yourself out unless there is something in it for you
It never dawned on you that Corey is an extension and reflection of you
Did it not occurred to you to educate, help set goals and actually work and show him what to do
Children learn what they live…that saying is oh so true.

I now understand why you finally allowed him to come home to me
I only have his best interest at heart and want him to be all he can be
You got what you could and instead of counseling him wisely you let him piss it all way, gee
Aren’t you happy with yourself and pleased

Instead of a capable young man well rounded and skilled
You return a young man whom spirits you have killed
Penniless, homeless, socially and culturally challenged, dependent on a guild.
Yeah, I can be a wordsmith and am quite hand with pen and paper it’s where Corey gets his skill!

How could you have been so blind and uncaring
It took me some time, however Michael is on track and has his bearing
All it took was love, patience, a bit of conversation and understanding
He is like you in a lot of ways, however he lives up to his potential and is upstanding

As for Cordan…You blame me and I blame you
We each have a part in that, I take responsibility…do you
You would like me to make up for my allowing the event
You feel it is my fault for the accident
I say it was just that, an accident a misfortune a true calamity
The portion I blame on you is the manner of which you groomed him, that is a travesty!

I blame you for not making him well rounded
Sorry now that I didn’t push, you should have been hounded
You should have been made accountable to make sure your methods were tried and sounded
Monitored and when found lacking pounded


Cordan doesn’t want to be like your father and you
Having no friends being all alone lonely and blue
Lonesome, abandoned old men thinking everyone owes you
Not understanding why those you love betray you

He doesn’t want that for himself
He wants a social life and to give of himself
To be wanted, needed, loved and adored not forgotten and set on a shelf
He accepts that people believe in him and he believes in himself

You so did him a disadvantage
Now with the money gone he offers no advantage
You have crushed him and caused further damaged
As his father you should have better managed

The pain you cause is never ending in your selfishness
Shame on you and your self-centeredness
Have you ever put anyone first in your life
Certainly not your children and definitely not me your wife

I am sick of this so called family curse
You bought into and made yourself worse
If it were true you’d have already taken that ride in a hearse
Get the hell over yourself! You only get one life and you can’t rehearse

If you do not give up those foolish notions, you will never be content
You will die alone and lonely knowing your life was misspent
You will shoulder the burden all by yourself in contempt
The American dream dead and stuck paying rent

Why? Does your pride keep you warn at night
Are you happier being alone as long as you are right
Don’t you miss having a companion to kiss and hold tight
A warm body to merge and be one with in the night

Are you right? Does it matter, truly, if you are not
Would you really die and rot right on the spot
My baby is sad and blue and feels like a ghost
I blame you for him feeling so lost

If you had more self confidence and faith in yourself he would have had an advantage
Your lack of self esteem and not allowing me to build you up was your disadvantage
If you could have admitted that he has brain damage
If you could have left him in ARC for him to learn how to managed

He wouldn’t be sad and lonely feeling like people look through him
He’d have friends, a job, a purpose in life and might even be thin
What have you gained from holding the reins
Will you ever look at yourself or would that just be too much pain

You have to care or at least be more self aware
Try actually opening up and giving of yourself, that’s a dare
Life is too short to worry about what others think, that is not your care
You are afraid to let someone in and be caught in a snare

To be enslaved to another human being as significant
Where nothing else or no one else, including yourself, was more important
That persons needs, wants, desires and happiness is your existence
Have you ever felt a love like that, has your heart ever been that extensive

Have you ever looked at yourself, I mean really looked within you
Do you like what you find, are you content living with just you
Do you know who you are and why you are just as you are
Do you like who you are just as you are

There is much about you that is handsome
Then again there is much about you that is loathsome.
You are a brilliant, intelligent man who can do anything he puts his mind too.
Unfortunately you rather not put too much effort into anything, now do you
The world owes you, yet in the same breath you say you don’t owe anyone anything you owe no dues
You don’t owe your wife for all the times she pleased you and went down on you, which was her choice…true
She loved pleasing you and making sure you were hers, it was so easy giving you head
The thought of ever having to return all those favors must fill you with dread
Her stupid fault for wanting too in the first place
Yeah she never used sex as a weapon that was my case
Ever think. ‘What goes around comes around.’
That the reason she spent so much time on her knees was that she want you to come around and take a turn down

Yeah, you knew…just didn’t care
I was aware... I did care… I made you aware and you still didn’t care
Now you are there and I am here
I look around and I see I have a full life with my loved ones with me
Tell me, Rick, what have you? Look around and within, tell me… what do you see

Do you see in your minds eye the true you or the ruse
You don’t see the man who is hard and cold and is a master of abuse
Can you step back and honestly give yourself a peruse
Do you see the view from the eyes of which I look through


These eyes see an empty shell of a man who let the poison of disappointment ferment
Instead of rising above it you wallowed and learned to lament
Instead of cherishing and holding dear what we had you built a wall as hard as cement
Instead of working at building strong and happy relationships, you prepared to prevent
It was like you gave up and starting to get ready for the event
You knew we weren’t going to make it, and pitched a tent

You hardened your heart and stopped sharing yourself with me
Closing yourself off to our children well, that surprised me
I turned a blind eye to the cruelty
Even after you slapped Shannon’s face I chose not to see

I believe in my heart if you were more attentive in the bedroom, we would have made it.
If you truly loved me…ME the person, as I loved and accepted you as is, we would have made it.
If you were more attentive, perhaps I wouldn’t have needed my bible.
If you had talked to me when I tried to talk to you about our sex life we still may have abided.

It became a pissing contest, a power struggle and I had the power. I always had the power.
The only thing you could control was how much and when you would give me sex that was your power. Your only power.

Feeling like you won? Feeling the might? Was I wrong? Were you right? Are you pleased with how things are? Be honest, share yourself step up to the bar, be a shining star. Oh how I wonder what you are.